Image source.

Considering it is the season of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss gratitude…particularly how gratitude can help us to embrace vulnerability and overcome shame.  If you aren’t yet familiar with Brene Brown and her work on using the power of vulnerability you can learn more here and here.

“As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed.  We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear.  Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection — to be the person whom we long to be — we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.”  (All quotes in this post are from Daring Greatly.)

Through her research, Brene identified foreboding joy as one of the ways we shield ourselves from vulnerability.  Foreboding joy is when we are in the midst of a joyful situation and our mind goes directly to a worst case scenario.  For example, sometimes when I am on an outing with my husband and children my mind goes to an image of my son getting hit by a car or something equally terrible.  Unconsciously, I may get tense, my anxiety goes up, and I might get short tempered.  Rather than experiencing the joy of the moment, I am suddenly unpleasant to be around.

Brene says, “scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy.  We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, that there won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult.  We’ve learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster.  And we struggle with the worthiness issue.  Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections?  What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world?  Who are we to be joyful?”

Gratitude is the antidote for foreboding joy.  She goes on, “if the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there’s enough and that we’re enough.”  And that we indeed deserve the joy we are experiencing.

Brene learned from talking with people who have been through profound loss or trauma. She shares three lessons.  1.  Joy comes to us in moments–ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.  2. Be grateful for what you have.  Don’t shrink away from it because someone else doesn’t have it.  Don’t apologize for it.  Celebrate it.  Let those around you know how much they mean to you.  3. Don’t squander joy.  Yes it may be, at times, scary and uncomfortable, but leaning into joy is how we build resilience and hope.  The joy becomes a part of us – and when bad things (inevitably) happen, we are strengthened.

She clarifies that practicing gratitude is more than just an attitude of gratitude…it is more deliberate, something we do.  Below are some ideas for practicing gratitude this week:

1. Create a gratitude tree.  Draw a large tree on a piece of paper and cut out a bunch of small leaves.  Have your children share things they are grateful for and write it on a leaf.  See if you can fill the tree with leaves.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.  Write down 3 things everyday that you are grateful for.
3. When you feel joy (and vulnerability)…tell whoever you are with about it.
4. Take pictures of things you are grateful for and share it with friends and family.
5. Create a gratitude poster.
6. Create a joy journal with this free printable.  Source.
7. Call someone you are grateful for and tell them.
8. Write a letter to someone who helped you in your youth, whether a parent, teacher, or friend.
9. Find the beauty in this very moment.
10. Thank yourself for being you.

How have you practiced gratitude and how has it impacted your life?

I am reading my new bible, called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.  This book is amazing.  For both the theory and insight and how it is written.  I am close to finishing and when I do I’ll post a full review.  But I want to share a few quotes from the book, specifically the way that she defines 3 things all humans need:

Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
   Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them–we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
   Shame, blame disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging: Belong is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

How do these resonate with your definition of love, connection and belonging?

Since I’ve studied attachment I’ve become more cognizant of moments with my children that define our attachment.  One of the key moments in an attachment relationship are hellos and goodbyes.  Jack does not let these moments pass him by!  Here are a few moments that I felt worth documenting…

Whenever we get to preschool I have Jack go to the bathroom.  He likes to use the big bathroom in the community center, specifically the mens…because he is, after all, a little man.  Then since the sink it too high for him to wash his hands he washes his hands in the preschool room.  He insists that I help him through this process.  One day I got talking to his teacher and forgot to have him go.  He went in to play with his friends.  Wanting to run out and get hacking away at my to do list I thought I could convince him to just say goodbye now and then he could use the preschool bathroom.  I say, “do you want to just say goodbye now?”  Politely he said, “no thanks, I’ll say goodbye after I go potty.”  He clearly wanted me to stick with our ritual.

One time Jeff was dropping me off at work and the boys were buckled into the backseat.  I was running late so I jumped out and ran.  Per Jeff’s report Jack went into primal panic mode and started crying and screaming, “I need to tell mom something.” and began frantically unbuckling his seatbelt.  Jeff picked up on how critical whatever he needed to say was and waved me down.  When I got back Jack said he needed a hug and a kiss.

Jack insists on riding with Dad to take Simon to the bus stop (we drive because the stop is a ridiculous walk).  One day I took him and I didn’t yet know the ritual.  Jack chose to stay in the car so I got Simon out and walked away.  We were there for about 5 minutes at the stop and when I got back I had realized Jack was crying the whole time…because he didn’t get to give Simon and hug and a kiss.

Simon on the other hand…despite being a fairly anxious kid…I am taken by how quickly he can confidently move into to new situations.  I remember the first day I took him to summer school and he walked in that door with hundred other kids.  I felt his hand fidgiting (and my heart racing) and then his hand just slipped out of mine and he walked away and did not even turn around to wave goodbye.  It ripped my heart out and every day since I have made sure that I make sure I get my hug and kiss.  It doesn’t usually occur to him, but he is always happy I asked.  Even though he doesn’t ask I believe it is one small way to assure he knows I love him to pieces.

You can go to www.holdmetightprogram.com for details, but it will just send you here.  Anyone know a good web designer? 

Thanks to a new field of research called interpersonal neurobiology, scientists are beginning to understand how feelings of love (or the lack of them) can impact specific areas of the brain.  The evidence:

TOUCH HEALS
For a study at the University of Virginia, scientists threatened married women with an electric shock.  When they held their husbands’ hands during the experiment, the women’s anterior cingulate cortexes and other pain and anxiety-related centers in the brain showed significantly less activation than when they held hands with others or with no one at all.

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTENT
Research from Stony Brook University showed that when men and women in happy relationships looked at photographs of their partners, their brain’s pleasure center, including the accumbens, lit up.  The brains of long-married couples also registered feelings of attachment and calm in the globus pallidus and other regions.

LOVE HURTS
According to Columbia University scientists, the same areas of the brain associated with physical pain, such as the dorsal posterior insula, are active when someone experiences rejection.

readersdigest.com 7/12-8/12

Family Digest
edited by Beth Dreher

So touching.  How we say things is critical…particularly when we are talking to those who are near and dear to us.  Because what we say to them touches in a tender place…because they depend on us…often more than they let on.

This post was imported from blogger.  To see the full post go here.

I’ve been reading the book Becoming Attached – First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love, by Robert Karen.  I loved the simple way in which he describes different styles of attachment. Read below to determine which is your style:

• I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.  I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.  {Secure.}
• I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them.  I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.  {Avoidant.}
• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.  I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me.  I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.  {Ambivalent.}  

This is a lovely story about Jake Gibb who is representing the USA in beach volley ball. Thanks, Jake, for sharing such precious things with us.  There is no question that the demands that have been placed on this couple would test a relationship. At the same time, what a grand opportunity to strengthen a bond. When we have a secure attachment with our partner intense emotional experiences bind us. If we don’t feel like we can reach our partner at such times, we often panic and act in ways that hurt each other. Even then, the repair of the disconnection is also an opportunity to form a secure attachment.  I wish you all the best Jake, Jane & Little Guy Gibb.  May you have all the health and strength you need to have a rich, long life…together.  May you also have all the success you’ve dreamed of in London!

MORE THAN GOLD from Josh on Vimeo.

As a side note…I went to high school with Jake Gibb. It is inspiring when people from the same modest world I grew up in reach such great heights.