There was a fascinating article in the Wall Street Journal recently about what motivates couples to have sex and how the motivation impacts their relationship. The article explains that “new research from the University of Toronto shows that the reasons why partners have sex in the first place also significantly affect marital satisfaction. And a person’s motive for making love tonight may make a difference to the health of his or her relationship months from now.” The researchers narrowed 237 motivations for having sex into two categories 1) to achieve a positive outcome i.e. feel closer to my partner, and 2) to avoid a negative outcome, i.e., avoid conflict or avoid guilt.
Of course, this took my mind to conversation 6 of Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson – Bonding Through Sex and Touch. Let me first mention that this conversation comes after 5 powerful conversations that bring couples into a deeper emotional connection. Partners will find much greater sexual satisfaction when they can be emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged with one another. When partners have a safe emotional connection sex becomes a safe and intimate adventure and they are more able to surrender to the experience. In contrast, if couples experience anxiety, fear, and emotional disconnection during sex, the result is less desire and satisfaction. This often leads to less sex altogether and often conflict between partners.
Much like the WSJ article explains, Sue agrees that depending on our connection, we will have sex for different reasons and achieve different results. She calls these three kinds of sex – Sealed-Off Sex, Solace Sex, and Synchrony Sex.
Sealed-Off Sex is goal focused, the goal being to reduce sexual tension and achieve an orgasm. Emotional bonding is secondary to sensation and performance. This leaves partners feeling like an object rather than loved and valued.
Solace Sex is about seeking reassurance. This type of sex occurs when one or the other, or both, aren’t sure of their partners love. They use sex for validation. There is more emotional bonding than in Sealed-Off Sex, but there is also a level of anxiety and fear. And as Sue says, “when sex is an anti-anxiety pill, it cannot be truly erotic.” This can also lead to partners feeling hurt and rejected if sex doesn’t happen when and how they hope for it.
The best circumstances for a truly satisfying and connecting sexual experience are when both partners feel safe and emotionally connected. This allows couples to let their connection take them into sex motivated by the desire to feel closer to each other and enhance take their bond to another level. Sue explains, “secure, loving partners can relax, let go, and immerse themselves in the the pleasure of lovemaking. They can talk openly, without getting embarrassed or offended, about what turns them off or on. …partners can more openly express their needs and preferences and are more willing to experiment sexually with their lovers.”
The truth is that in a long-term committed relationship sex changes based on factors such as age, life circumstances, stressors, health, and other things. But a strong emotional bond is the force that helps couples to move through challenges and enjoy touch and physical intimacy through the lifespan. Sex and touch can be a way to bond and come closer together 20, 30, 50 years into a marriage.
I invite you to examine the quality of your emotional connection and explore how this impacts your sexual relationship with your partner. If you would like additional support pick up a copy of Hold Me Tight, sign up for a Hold Me Tight Workshop, or seek the help by a couples therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
