Nearly a year ago I began a series for parents about talking to your kids about all things sexual. It’s taken me a while, but I’m finally saying “yes” to writing installment #2. I felt moved over the last couple of weeks to speak up at a school board meeting. Long story short, I have found myself needing to protest the implementation of 1:1 electronic devices in Arlington Public Schools for children beginning in 2nd grade. While they claim this will close the economic divide so that that every child has access to technology regardless of income, mountains of research suggest that the unintended costs far outweigh the benefits. We have a dilemma on our hands. Technology offers opportunity for learning…and a slew of other opportunities including numbing the mind….and access to pornography, which is often referred to as “inappropriate content.” I put that in quotes because I feel that it is a very minimizing term.
There seems to be a reluctance to say the word “pornography.” I can understand. It makes some uncomfortable, and others worried. Without going into too much depth of the history of the roll out of the devices, I’ll just say that they have bolstered the filters that are intended to block inappropriate content. Initially they had no filters, then filters that weren’t working so well. They claim to have better ones now, but there are still a lot of apps, including YouTube that allow students full access. However, from what I understand, filters block inadvertent exposure, but not necessarily if children are searching for it. In truth, I haven’t tested this out. I have asked my children not to bring their iPads home except for special projects (which begs the question why is my 4th grader’s iPad in my husbands office right now over spring break? The best of intentions don’t always win. It’s so hard to monitor and control and it sneaks in.)
As I prepared to speak at the most recent school board meeting I re-read a letter I wrote to the board last June after reading the book The New Age of Sex Education: How to Talk to your Teen About Cybersex and Pornography in the Digital Age. I thought, man this is scary and sad and while I don’t want to alarm people I want them to be informed. We must educate our children.
Here are some of the facts that I shared in the letter:
- How prevalent is pornography exposure among teens? Based on a 2008 study by Covenant Eyes – 9 years ago before children were being given personal devices in schools – 93% of boys and 62% of girls will have exposure to pornography by the age of 19. 35% of boys and 14% of girls have viewed for longer than 30 minutes.
- How prevalent is pornography addiction? While this is hard to ascertain, statistics suggest that 5-6% of the U.S. population have a pornography addiction. I suspect 25-50% view it compulsively or often. But just going by the 6% figure, that would suggest that in Arlington County, of the 12,000+ students in middle and high school, over 700 have an addiction. Imagine including those who have a screen or video game addiction, or some sort of compulsive relationship with social media.
- What are they seeing? Warning: this is where it gets scary. Listed from most prevalent explore to least (again according to the 2008 Covenant Eyes study): group sex (83% of boys and 57% of boys have viewed), same sex intercourse (69%/55%), bondage (39%/23%), bestiality (32%/18%), sexual violence (18%/10%), child pornography (15%/9%). I don’t want it to be true and I’d love it to be disproven. But that is the information that I have.
- What happens when a young person views porn? When an individual see images or videos of a sexual nature it triggers a reward center in the brain that excites and lights up sensations. The brain says “I want more of that.” This happens with not just porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, social media, food…anything that is addictive. Through sexual development this affects the arousal template and one begins to need the same potency of exposure to get excited. For many, this leads to lack of enjoyment in being with a human where things take time and you have to work through anxieties and uncertainty. So the brain says go for porn. Alternatively, when one does find themselves in real life exchanges their brain suggests to them to enact what they have seen in porn since their brain and arousal template are now connecting sexual arousal with the behaviors they have observed. This is likely to result in early sexual experiences that are confusing, aggressive and troubling, setting them up for a difficult journey to discovering meaningful and healthy sexuality.
While this will be difficult for some parents to talk about, I encourage parents to begin talking to their children about pornography before the age of 10, when most children will begin to have exposure. That being said, there have been incidents of exposure on APS devices in 2nd and 3rd graders. We began talking with our kids when they were 8-9 years old. This should be preceded by conversations about sex beginning when they start asking questions about boys and girls. I had explicit conversations with my boys when they were 5-6 years old. I’ll share another post on those early conversations in time.
While the facts are disconcerting, I encourage you to remain calm about this matter. If your children detect your panic, anxiety and dismay they are less likely to talk to you about it. There are healthy ways to talk about it that will help foster an open and honest relationship. You don’t have to figure this out on your own. There are many books out there on talking to your kids about sexuality. One specifically about pornography is the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures. We’ve been reading this occasionally over the last year, one chapter at a time. My husband and I are both there and we are both fairly comfortable with this topic.
For parents who are uncomfortable it might be worth discussing with a therapist. Many therapists, including myself, offer parenting consultations. This might lead to an exploration into your own experiences and anxieties around sexuality, which are helpful to explore and reckon with as you begin teaching your child about healthy sexuality. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be ashamed. And don’t be reactive when your child is exposed. Stay calm and help them to be comfortable talking with you so they don’t have to carry the load alone.
Thank you for reading. If you have additional questions or comments about what I have written here please reach out to me through the form here. Sending support from my heart to yours.
