A Good Quote

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“Love is the kiss of porcupines.” Fincham 2000 Two porcupines huddle together on a winter’s night – closeness is necessary for survival and normal, but in getting close risk getting hurt.

Attachment Styles

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When we are learning to better relate with our partner it is important to be aware of our attachment style. Our attachment style is going to affect how we reach out for one another. How we ask for support and validation.

The following is a brief assessment of your attachment style.

Emotion – "to move"

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Emotions are experienced on two levels. In the mental health world we call them primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the ones deep inside…the initial response to a situation. They include joy, peace, fear, shame, sadness, hurt, guilt, and disappointment among others. Secondary emotions are those that surface as a response to primary emotions. They are the emotions that others see. Those that make us uncomfortable such as hostility, disapproval, paranoia, distrust, jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, self-hatred, and depression.
When we only show others (or ourselves) our secondary emotions they can feel threatened, overwhelmed and confused. This makes it difficult for them to connect with us. We are better able to connect with others when we can recognize and express our primary emotions. By doing so we become closer to one another. Sue Johnson explains in Hold Me Tight* what she learned from couples that led her to develop the EFT model:
“Emotion comes form a Latin word emovere, to move. We talk of being ‘moved’ by our emotions, and we are ‘moved’ when those we love show their deeper feelings to us. If partners were to reconnect, they indeed had to let their emotions move them into new ways of responding to each other. My clients had to learn to take risks, to show the softer sides of themselves, the sides they learned to hide…”
Our relationships will improve as we are more able to identify and express our primary emotions. We can do this by slowing down when we express secondary emotions. Take time to be in the moment. Think about the events leading up to the emotions. What were your thoughts? What did your thoughts lead you to believe about the situation? As we become more aware of our primary emotions we can learn to respond to them differently and decrease the occurrence of secondary emotions. Give it a try!
Have a LOVEly weekend!
*Book review to come: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson, Developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy

Monogamy

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Here is an interesting article about an interesting movie. Perhaps if people see enough examples of what not to do they’ll figure out how to avoid the break up ending. I think each break up story has one critical element…wounds that seem like they cannot be healed. But I believe couples can learn how to heal them. That is a major component of Emotion Focused Couple Therapy.

Love Maps

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I thought you all might enjoy a questionnaire and exercise from Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The questionnaire is an assessment of your love maps. The exercise is to help you enhance them.
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
1. I can name my partner’s best friends. T F
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. T F
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. T F
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. T F
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas. T F
6. I can tell you bout my partner’s basic philosophy of life. T F
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. T F
8. I know my partner’s favorite music. T F
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies. T F
10. My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. T F
11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life. T F
12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child. T F
13. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. T F
14. I know my partner’s major current worries. T F
15. My spouse know who my friend are. T F
16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. T F
17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner. T F
18. Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now. T F
19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. T F
20. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. T F
If you score above 10 out of 20 this is an area of strength in your relationship. If you score below 10 you need some improvement.
The exercise:
Take a pen and paper and choose 20 number between 1 and 60.

Allowance

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An interesting article on the WSJ about paying your children allowance.

I’ve been a little hung up on the idea of paying my children to do chores. I agree with Dr. Weinstein that children “should do chores as a member of a household.” Additionally, I’d have a problem keeping track of the work done. In that case such a program would be ineffective.
I also like the idea of having them split their allowance 3 ways (save, spend, share). Here is a great homemade piggy bank you can make to help them do this. I plan to make this for my 4 year old. I’m afraid my 2.5 year old is a little young…he might like spending the money, but the other concepts are probably too abstract.
Please share your experience of allowance with the rest of us.

Play Room Checklist

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A friend asked me for gift ideas for her 2 year-old boy and I told her cars and trucks, which always seem to be in style with that demographic. I also offered her a good list of toys that every child should have. These are specific toys that therapists have in a play room for play therapy. Most of them are everyday toys, but they include those toys that are most fit to help children express themselves.

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