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I’ve been reading the book Becoming Attached – First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love, by Robert Karen. I loved the simple way in which he describes different styles of attachment. Read below to determine which is your style:
- I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. {Secure.}
- I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. {Avoidant.}
- I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away. {Ambivalent.}
If you have something other than a secure attachment style there is hope. You can learn to trust and be more at ease in relationships. Start by reading this and other books about attachment. And consider seeing a therapist who works from an attachment framework. We all need secure relationships and forming them is a challenge for many.
When looking for a therapist identify one with a solid attachment and experiential approach. Here are some therapy models that can help us improve our capacity to love and attach. See if you can find a therapist with training in one of the following:
- Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) http://www.iceeft.com/
- Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) http://www.aedpinstitute.org/
You could also look for a Hold Me Tight workshop in your area. Ours is coming up September 6!
