The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago…to me the cold is just a testament to it’s awesomeness…“the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis.” It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather…it is and it does.”) Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan’s view about how “love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person.” She goes on, “Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away.”
One commenter said, “you’ve never been in love.” I would say, no he very well could be/have been in love…otherwise he wouldn’t feel the pain of the other receding. It wouldn’t matter and he wouldn’t notice.
I actually like the idea of locating ourselves in another. Minus the narcissistic twist that’s beautiful. Regarding the cruelty part…the author did a fabulous job of illustrating the patterns that lovers get into…so, so often. See, all relationships typically have an initiator and a responder. The initiator senses the need to connect and in a healthy relationship the other responds. However, stress, children, school, work, the economy, how we were raised, and simply being human can make one or the other or both stressed. The initiation comes in a heightened form…sometimes critical and angry, sometimes desperate…the responder gets overwhelmed, anxious, defensive, maybe says nothing at all…and pulls away, believing this is the safest thing for the relationship. The longing initiator heightens the pursuit for connection and the responder withdraws further and round and round it goes. And there you have the cycle of disconnection.
Take a minute to view this fabulous explanation of a healthy marriage from Sue Johnson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dab34E4ON0
Thank you, Sue, for helping us all find love.
My challenge to you today is to take a look at what happens between you and your love. Take a look at your tendencies…is your pursuit too strong or your withdrawal too quick? Ask your partner…if they feel like you are emotionally responsive and what you can do to improve? And always know, there is a way to make it happen!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
