Book Review: Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

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Parenting From the Inside OutParenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have only read 3-4 chapters of this book, but I am loving what I am getting out of it. This is a great book for all parents to read. It helps you examine your emotional world in relation to your child, which I find key to any successful attachment/relationship. I think this is one that I’m going to want to spend some real time with.

I love that there are exercises at the end of each chapter. Here are a few samples:
1. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did it make you feel? What was happening to your relationships with your parents during that experience? p. 94
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Book Review: Man’s Search for Meaning

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Man's Search for MeaningMan’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This really is a must read for every one who lives and breathes. It was interesting to read it as a therapist. I was expecting something more like a self help book, but was intrigued to find it to be a cross between that and a description of a model of therapy (though leans heavily toward the former). I could relate it to my work with couples as often as we work through their struggles we are looking for the “meaning” in their relationship and finding that meaning carries them through their struggles together. It is why couples stay together through so much pain and conflict and gives them the motivation to work through it and stay together.

I was moved by his description of his emotional connection to his wife. Here are a few of his quotes about love that touched me:
“My mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind: I didn’t even know if she were still alive. I knew only one thing–which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It find its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.

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Acceptance, Tara Brach, and the Brain

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Soon you’ll be seeing a guest post on a blog called Doe a Deery about acceptance.  (Here it is.)  I talked about how acceptance is a verb…which simply means that in order to really know if we have acceptance deeply rooted in us we need to look at ourselves and see if we practice it day to day.  I listed ways in which we act when we are practicing acceptance and those which indicate that we aren’t.  Take a moment to look them over.  Here you can read more about what to do when you catch yourself in some of the behaviors listed.

What is love, anyway?

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The other day I read a sad, sad description of love in this article (which ironically, is about my beloved city of Chicago…to me the cold is just a testament to it’s awesomeness…“the largest American city that deals with negative-twenty-degree wind chills on a regular basis.”  It has to be really awesome to draw so many people despite the weather…it is and it does.”)  Scroll down 14 paragraphs and the author describes Lacan’s view about how “love is inherently narcissistic: the result of our constant desire to locate ourselves in the desire of another person.”  She goes on, “Here’s the cruel part. The other—the one we love—always recedes in front of us. We chase it/him/her and it/him/her gets further away, or, in the very best scenario, remains only the same distance away.”
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Quote: Carl Rogers

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It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.             

— Carl Rogers 

There’s More to Life Than Being Happy – The Atlantic

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“It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness.”

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This article reminds me to stay in the moment even though it might mean enduring things that don’t make me happy.  I believe that in many ways I have chosen meaning over happiness, but have been confused when meaning didn’t equal happiness.  I am grateful for Victor Frankl and the way he lived his life.  I choose meaning.

The article quotes Frankl….
“This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how.””

Follow the link below to the full article:
There’s More to Life Than Being Happy – The Atlantic

How do you find meaning?

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

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A friend shared her thoughts about Santa so eloquently a few weeks ago that I asked her to write them down for me to share here.

This is my first Christmas as a mother and it seems that I continue to hear the question, “how do I tell my kids about Santa Claus without utterly disappointing them down the road, when they find out he isn’t real?” First off, the question doesn’t make sense in my book, because Santa Claus IS real, but it does raise a valid concern for mothers who are trying to teach their children truth.
My mom taught me the history of Santa Claus. Although I don’t remember the exact words she used, he essentially is a 4thcentury Christian bishop who was famous for his generous gifts to the poor. His legacy lives on and he is the same jolly man who brings gifts to all of God’s children today. The important thing my mom taught in my home was that my belief in Santa Claus was really my belief in giving “gifts” (i.e. love, service, charity) to everyone. There was never a Christmas that passed where our family did not engage in “Santa helper” activities: giving up one of our toys under the Christmas tree to a family in need, going shopping for other children or delivering meals to people who lived in homeless shelters downtown. In fact, on occasion, we would even forego Christmas presents and do a large service project in orphanages or small towns in Mexico. In addition to the service outside of our home, my parents helped us find joy in giving to our family members. We still to this day, love drawing names and making our gifts a secret to each other. And amidst all of the service and gift giving, it is always exciting to see the joy full stockings and little surprises on Christmas day bring, whether they arrive via Amazon, down the chimney or by Mom.
So the question remains, “do you tell your kids there is a Santa Claus?” Based on my belief and my love for his lasting tradition, I say, yes. I love the words from the Christmas story, Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus:  
“Yes, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion
exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.”
Yes, Santa Claus exists and will always exist in my home as long as his image reflects that of charity, love and service, the same attributes as our Savior. Long ago a Christian bishop showed his love for mankind and Christ by giving, and we can do so today. Maybe we aren’t really Santa’s helper, but Santa is Christ’s helper, helping us bring good cheer to those in need every year.
-by Darien Laird, Arlington, VA
Here is an article and a book about Santa that I also like.
How do you share the love of Santa Claus in your home?

Tragedy in Newtown, CT

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It has taken me some time to process the event at Sandy Hook.  My heart goes out to the families of those who lost a loved one.  My heart also goes out to those children who were so close to this traumatic event.

Strangely, I prevented myself from facing this tragedy until Monday.  I tend to try to block these things out of my mind because I am afraid that I will become anxious and overprotective.  I also worry that my sadness will make me on edge and make me short with my husband and children.  Going numb this weekend must have felt safer to me, even though I didn’t realize I was doing it until late Sunday.  I didn’t read many of the reports and I didn’t even talk to Jeff much about it.

However, going numb makes me tense and withdrawn.  We can’t selectively numb emotion so we miss out on joy as well.  I’d rather be sad and whole than fine-ish, but disintegrated.  Additionally, I wanted to mourn with those who are mourning today.  I wanted to be part of a society that supports, gives, loves, and comforts those who are in pain.  Monday I took some time to read the accounts of the shooting and the victims.  I was on the verge of tears all day.

My heart is broken.  I feel powerless.  To me this tragedy is bigger than gun laws, the mental health system, or safety protocol in our schools.  While it is fair to evaluate them, I fear that it won’t be enough.  The fear leads to dread when I realize there is so little that anyone could have done to prevent this.

On NPR this morning someone was talking about how mass tragedies cause more than fear, they cause dread.  Dread leads us to view risks greater than the truly are.  This is one of the things I think I was trying to avoid by going numb.  I don’t want to be afraid to send my son to school.  I don’t want to act in ways that don’t make sense.

I want to use my grief for a few things.  I want to take in the joy of having my family healthy and safe today.  I am grateful that I can hold them.  I am grateful their peers and teachers are safe and for how much they must love my boys, too.  Additionally, instead of feeling dread I am trying to focus on accepting that as humans we are vulnerable in so many ways and that sometimes all I can do is say a prayer of gratitude and a plea for comfort and safety.

How has Sandy Hook affected you this week?

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance

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Today’s post is from the lovely Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, a trainer in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in San Diego, CA.  She offers some great resources for improving your relationships including home study courses and weekend workshops.  Go here to learn more.    

When Your Partner Needs Attachment Reassurance 


Did you  know there are moments in relationships that are important than other moments.

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) talks about happy couples having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  The trouble with the ratio idea is not all interactions are equal in importance to the well-being of the relationship. Some moments are just more important than other moments. Some moments really impact the security of your bond.

Obvious times of importance are upon waking and sleeping, coming and leaving, when there’s a celebration event or accomplishment and times of stress. There’s also those moments when your partner just needs your attention and reassurance.

When your partner is stressed and needs reassurance it can get tricky. The tricky part is most of the time your partner won’t just turn to you and say “Sweet-heart, I’m so sorry, I’m just really feeling insecure inside myself.  Would you hold me and tell me something nice?”

Rather, most of the time partners will say something like this: “What, we came to a barbeque place and you’re ordering mac & cheese? I thought we were here to have bbq together.” Then going on further to say, “It really hurts my feelings, I thought we both wanted bbq.” Another example might be, “Why didn’t you call? It’s like you don’t think about me at all.

If your partner gets alarmed and unexpectedly irritable it’s a cue there’s something more tender going on underneath the reactivity. Rather then defend yourself it’s probably a time your emotional presence and understanding could make a lot of difference.

Here’s a step by step way to handle these situations.

1. Let your partner know you give them the benefit of the doubt. For example, “Honey, I’m sure you don’t mean to sound grumpy…”

2. Let them know the impact it’s having on you. For example, “I’m feeling anxious as you question me.” or “the sharp tone hurts my feelings.”

3. Remind them you’re their partner and you want to keep the good feelings between you. For example, “I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.”

4. Take responsibility if you did let your partner down, or weren’t being attentive. For example, “I’m sorry, I know we’re out for bbq. It was more important to me to be out with you than what we ate. I wasn’t actually thinking about what I felt like eating so I didn’t know til we got here I didn’t feel like bbq.”

All together it sounds something like this: “Honey, I’m sure you don’t mean to sound grumpy. I’m feeling anxious as you question me right now. I really want to be supportive, you matter so much to me.   And I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I didn’t feel like eating bbq – I wasn’t actually thinking about what I felt like eating, I just wanted to be out with you.”

Try these steps and let me know how it works.

You can learn to clear the tension between you in no time.

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD


Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your wisdom with us.  What do you do when you need reassurance?  Is your message clear or confusing?