Partner Yoga & Connection Workshop

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I am so excited to announce our upcoming Partner Yoga & Connection Workshop!  This idea has been simmering between my dear yoga teacher and friend, Caitlin Wittig, and I for some time now and I am delighted it is now on the calendar.

Partner Yoga & Connection Workshop

Saturday | July 28, 2018 | 5-6:30

JOURNEYoga | 2501 9th Road S, Arlington, VA 22204

Co-led by Caitlin Wittig, ERYT-200 &

LuAnn C. Oliver, LCSW, Certified EFT Couples Therapist

Cost: $60 per couple

Register here.

 

Why yoga?

“As we begin to re-experience a visceral reconnection with the needs of our bodies, there is a  brand new capacity to warmly love the self. We experience a new quality authenticity in our caring, which redirects our attention to our health, our diets, our energy, our time management.  This enhanced care for the self arises spontaneously and naturally, not as a response to a “should.” We are able to experience an immediate and intrinsic pleasure in self-care.”

-Stephen Cope, Yoga and the Quest for the True Self

 

Why partner yoga?

We are wired for connection.  We crave it and seek it, consciously and subconsciously.  Sometimes our instinctive strategies work and sometimes they don’t.  Experiences of disconnection can leave imprints on our amygdala (the emotional memory system in our brain), and trigger us into fight, freeze or flee, even if the trigger isn’t happening in the present.  This system can keep us stuck in negative cycles of disconnection and make meaningful connection more difficult to achieve. As partners increase self-awareness, tolerance for strong emotion and sensations, and notice internal experiences without judgement, they can create fertile ground for open and authentic connection.  Yoga can help you do this.

 

Why a couples therapist in a yoga class?

Caitlin is a fabulous yoga instructor and has run couples yoga classes in the past.  My work as a couples therapist is grounded in EFT, but is strongly enhanced by somatic modalities, which help to integrate mind and body connection.  Somatic approaches are mindful explorations into the body’s present moment experience. Caitlin will take couples through familiar yoga movements, independently at first, then move toward partnered moves.  Throughout the class LuAnn will integrate mindful body explorations and regulation exercises, both within the individual and between partners. For some couples this will be fun and interesting, for others it will provide access to deeper emotions and safely move them to allow connection, healing and helping “stuck” patterns to get “unstuck”.  No need for expectations, simply come wherever you are and allow whatever wants to happen for you to happen.

 

10 reasons you want to attend?

  1. So you can see what the heck your partner is doing when they go to yoga and why the heck they like it so much.
  2. Learn to co-regulate, i.e., support each other in bringing strong feelings into balance.
  3. For a fun and unusual date.
  4. Learn to restore connection with your heart center point together.  This can feel like a shared spiritual experience of sorts, then you can give each other a big hug.  Just try it.
  5. Bond through gentle touch.  
  6. Learn to tune into your deeper felt sense in relation to your partner to allow communication on a deeper level.
  7. To discover it isn’t totally awkward to do a yoga class, even if you are super inflexible.
  8. Awaken sleeping parts of your heart.
  9. Increase tolerance for uncomfortable emotions and reduce the physiological responses that accompany them.
  10. Increase presence.  

 

Other FAQs:

  • Do I need to come with a partner?  The movements will be meant for pairs.  Your “partner” can be a friend or a romantic partner but should be someone you have an interest in connecting with.  Many of the exercises are about tuning into others from within ourselves and can be applied to any type of relationship.
  • Do I need to have experience with yoga?  No, beginners are welcome, respected and celebrated.  We’ve all be there. This isn’t about getting into a pose, but rather exploring what happens as we tune into and move our bodies.

Please submit additional questions through the contact form below.

If you cannot attend, but would like to be notified of future offerings you may subscribe to my newsletter on the home page.

Registration is now open on the JOURNEYoga website.  From the home page click on “schedule a class” then the tab “special events.”  Click here.

 

For Parents: Conversations about Sexual Matters, #2: First Talks about Pornography

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Nearly a year ago I began a series for parents about talking to your kids about all things sexual.  It’s taken me a while, but I’m finally saying “yes” to writing installment #2.  I felt moved over the last couple of weeks to speak up at a school board meeting.  Long story short, I have found myself needing to protest the implementation of 1:1 electronic devices in Arlington Public Schools for children beginning in 2nd grade.  While they claim this will close the economic divide so that that every child has access to technology regardless of income, mountains of research suggest that the unintended costs far outweigh the benefits.  We have a dilemma on our hands. Technology offers opportunity for learning…and a slew of other opportunities including numbing the mind….and access to pornography, which is often referred to as “inappropriate content.”  I put that in quotes because I feel that it is a very minimizing term. (more…)

For Lovers: Loving with a Full Heart

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I love helping people find meaning and satisfaction in their relationships.  It can be challenging, but it is amazing to see the human heart learn to love again after painful experiences, such as addiction, trauma, betrayal, loss, or simply not getting along. Often this pain has existed for several years, sometimes a lifetime.  

Lately I have found my focus turning in a new and brighter direction.  Typically, sessions with my (couple) clients are focused on understanding an argument or conflict, learning to talk about it differently, prevent things from escalating and learning to repair.  These are all essential components of creating love, but I have found that when we move beyond avoiding problems and focus on loving with all the energy of our hearts, this effort creates the “stuff” of loving interactions.  I want my couples to learn to get along better and fight less, but I want even more for them. I want them to each be able to live with the fullness of their hearts…together. When one or both bring this fullness it creates a warm energy that we often call true love.

I have recognized three phases in this process.  Through my work, I help clients to first become aware of where they are so they can have patience and hope.  I encourage you to read and think about how this exploratory process might impact your life and relationships.  Some of you might already live this way, and to some it may seem like a fairy tale. But the truth is that it’s a real thing and it’s possible, even if you’ve never had it.  It can take time to unravel and rebuild, but there can be joy in the journey, even amidst the pain. Take a look and let me know what you think. I don’t allow comments because I get so much spam, but please do share your comments with me in the contact form below and I will post some to this page.

 

I. Awaken

Through life experiences, for good reasons, we lock up parts of our hearts.  We get hurt, scared, feel pain, loss, rejection, abandonment, betrayal – so we retreat.  We lose clarity and purpose. Our relationships lose energy. Change begins with compassionately awakening the heart and remembering who we are meant to be.

II.  Restore

When our heart, mind, body and soul are awake, balanced and full we can restore what we’ve lost or forgotten.  To create this within us, we must learn to recognize the retreat and how to intentionally awaken and return.  From this place we can explore, discover, and embrace what the heart wants, needs and desires.  Accepting and owning this allows us to restore and heal.  

III.  Connect

When living with fullness of heart, we can offer this to our life and relationships.  We connect with honesty, clarity, vulnerability, and purpose. When two hearts meet here, we can unravel old patterns, heal wounds, and regain love’s energy.  We can live and love again with a full heart.

 

I hope to hear from you soon.  If you’d like some resources for beginning your journey check out some of my other blog posts or contact me through the form below.

For Lovers: Mindful Intimacy

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Many couples struggle with sexual intimacy.  It could be differences in desire, wounds from the past, fears of inadequacy, body image, emotional disconnection, among other matters.  The good news is that couples can overcome these differences with the right guidance and support.

I invite my couples to start small as they begin to untangle the barriers to a mutually fulfilling sexual connection.  An array of emotions even in anticipation of physical closeness can interfere with our desire for it.  Anxiety, guilt, anger, shame, obsessions and other emotions can take control and cause us to shut down physically and emotionally.  For some, experiences from the past can tell our bodies that something is wrong, even if everything in the moment is safe.  For others, those emotions might elevate sexual desire and cause them to confuse desire for emotional connection, validation and acceptance with sexual desire.  

Couples can have the most connective sexual experiences when they are at ease with one another and within themselves.  Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, calls this “synchrony sex.”  But sometimes it’s really difficult to get there.  Here is a simple exercise that can help you to slow down, take it one step at a time.  This is a mindfulness exercise.  It is meant only to help you uncover some of the underlying feelings that cause sexual disconnect, to bring calmness and relaxation, acceptance and compassion for yourself and your partner.  It is not meant to enhance pleasure and desire, though it’s okay if that happens, too.

Mindfulness is about awareness of this moment in time, purposefully and without judgement.  When we take a mindful walk we notice the sensations and details around us – the temperature, cars, trees, the air, the sounds.  I wrote earlier this year about a mindful moment with your 2 year old.  The following steps are for a mindful intimate moment with your partner.  Be sure to do this exercise when you have some time to relax and spend some slow, quality time together.  And then follow the steps below:  

  • Set aside 45 minutes to an hour with your partner.  It’s ideal to be at least semi-clothed in something basic.  Set the environment to be comfortable, but not sensual.  I recommend low lights, a comfortable temperature, no music, lotions, or candles.  This is not meant to be sexual, but rather relaxing and comfortable.  
  • Each partner will take a turn being the toucher.  For this exercise, the touching should be limited to non-sexual pleasure (genitals and breast are off limits).  The person touching focuses on touching in a way that brings themselves pleasure (with concern for their partner’s comfort, but not pleasure – that can be another exercise at another time).  The person being touched doesn’t give direction, but may redirect if something is uncomfortable.
  • The toucher draws awareness to tactile sensations such as temperature, texture, and pressure.  He/she also becomes aware, without judgement, of what’s happening for him/herself, including feelings of pleasure, relaxation, arousal, or any other positive or negative emotions.  Don’t share them now, just become aware of them.  When distractions arise the toucher brings their awareness back to the tactile sensations.  
  • The person being touched focuses also on touch sensations.  The touchee also draws awareness to emotions and distractions.  Hold space for them and then bring your focus back to the tactile sensations.  

The toucher continues this long enough for the person to lean into the awareness and be fully present, but not so long that it becomes boring.  Then he/she says “switch” and the exercise is repeated in reverse.  

Take some time after the exercise is over, within 24 hours, to share your experiences with one another.  

Please contact me with any comments or questions about my services.  You may use the contact form below or call me at 703-220-0951.

*This exercise was adapted from Sensate Focus: The Problem of Pleasure, The Paradox of Presence, by Weiner and Clark.

 

 

 

 

For Lovers: Subtle Differences in Conversation Make a Big Difference in Connection

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I was working with a couple the other day who have been married a long time.  Some big differences had grown in their relationship and they are exploring whether continuing their relationship will be right for both of them.  

Within a short time it became clear that deep in their hearts they both want the marriage to work.  But they often get caught in some dynamics that make them both feel lonely.  It is also clear that the differences they have will not go away and they wonder if this marriage will allow them to live wholeheartedly.   (more…)

For Parents: A Mindful Moment with Your 2 Year Old

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I wrote this almost a year ago and looking back it isn’t surprising I didn’t find a moment to take the last step and post it.  Great to reflect and notice how much more at ease I am whether it’s his age or my frame of mind.  Cheers to mothers and fathers of young children.  Hang in there!

My third son just turned 2 and boy do we know it.  Our other 2 boys didn’t give us quite the taste of the terrible twos as this little munchkin.  He is generally really happy, but when things aren’t right he makes it very clear.  Then when he gets what he wants he starts giggling, clapping, what have you.  

Not only are his emotions strong in both directions, he is a dare devil.  He always has a bruise on his forehead and doesn’t seem to be learning any caution from his tumbles.  He keeps a close eye on the gate latch and watches for a chance to make a break.  When he makes his break he doesn’t look back.  It’s stressful to be in constant fear that he is going to do something that will leave permanent damage, or worse.  

In addition to this the continual emptying of cabinets, bookshelves and toy bins leaves me overwhelmed.  I am often reminded of when I worked in a mental hospital and had to do regular 10 minute checks, and for some keep a constant line of site to make sure they didn’t do harm to themselves or others.  In spite of this I’ve chosen to keep my office hours to a minimum just so I can be there to follow this little turkey around the house, the yard, the park.  Somehow this crazy making scenario is where I want to be, or at times where I know I need to be, as much as I can. (more…)

For Parents: Conversations about Sexual Matters, #1: Setting the Stage for Openness

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This series is about education young children about sexual matters including pornography and other sexual matters.  To be notified of new posts follow me on Facebook or join my email list in the box on the right.

My husband recently discovered in our computer’s history that my son had gone through some sites of interest. I had inadvertently unplugged our Circle internet filter (which I highly recommend) so it gave him more access than we’d like. Thankfully it wasn’t pornographic, but the topics were not age appropriate. We felt it was worth a conversation.

I wanted to be really careful because I didn’t want him to feel on any level like he had done something wrong. Curiosity is natural and healthy. But I do want him to know that it’s important and helpful to talk to my husband and/or me if ideas and questions arose in his mind that were confusing or potentially embarrassing. Here is how I decided to approach it. (more…)

For Therapists: My Road to EFT Certification

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As a young therapist out of graduate school, I remember when couples sat across from me in my office, things felt messy and chaotic.  It was like I was on a road trip without a map.  I knew the general direction I needed to go, but didn’t quite know the best route.  I would consult with my supervisor and others in my practice with experience.  They all told me something different.  None seemed to hit the nail close enough to the head.  Something was missing.

I also remember in my personal journey through relationships feeling that there had to be more to getting through conflict with others.  I’d been told to just show love, turn the other cheek, no one can make you angry it’s just a choice you make, and that I needed to forgive.  It didn’t make sense and I felt that there had to be more to repairing rifts.

Then my agency offered a training in EFT and it was like someone handed me that road map.  Finally something made sense and so much sense I didn’t understand why I was just coming on to this now.  I latched on to the model and held on tight.  

(more…)

How to Begin to Improve Your Marriage: 5 Conversations to Get You Started

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IMG_0852Do you remember when you first met and fell in love how you thought your marriage would be?  Or what you thought when you were a teenager?  Remember how sure you were that your marriage would not look like your parents?  What we don’t learn in kindergarten, is that every marriage will face some unanticipated challenges.  Yet love is so vital in this ever transient and demanding world and the benefits of fighting our way through and shaping our love into something that works are significant. (more…)

Attachment in Adulthood

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In a recent post, I wrote about the attachment journey that young parents naturally embark on as they have children. With parenthood, attachment becomes a focal point. But attachment needs aren’t just for babies! It’s important for all adults – married people, single people, adult siblings, adult children or parents of adult children – to understand their attachment needs. Assessing where our needs are met or unmet can help us understand and enhance our relationships. (more…)